We need to look only on our Facebook feeds or read our prayer emails from our church to know there are many people in the midst of grief and loss. We often feel uncomfortable with grief and loss, not knowing what to say or how to offer comfort. So, we do nothing, yet that’s not what Jesus did.
Every time Jesus demonstrated compassion for someone—first, he saw them; then He heard them; then He acted. Just as He had compassion on me.
“No God, please, please, please not this!” I walked our property line and prayed as I mentally posted angels on each of the four corners. God responded with assurance: “For He will give His angels charge concerning you, To guard you in all your ways. They will bear you up in their hands, That you do not strike your foot against a stone” (Psalm 91:11-12 NASB).
Over the next several months, those angels stood guard over me and guided all who came and went from my home.
Inside my yellow ranch-style house, during that frosty spring, I marched up and down the basement steps asking Jesus to take control, move in, and occupy every nook and cranny. When the temperatures warmed up, I ran laps around the house in early evening, praying and pleading with God, to remove “this cup.”
My cup was the unexpected, unwanted, indescribable pain that crushed me when my husband faced me one day and said, “I don’t know if I am committed to our marriage.”
I felt as if he had pulled out his biggest gun—the one he took on his African hunt that spring—and shot me through the heart. I wanted to scream, “NO, DON’T DO THIS!”
But he ran away to his hideout an hour away.
What “grief gut punch” have you pleaded with the Lord to remove from your life? A parent’s Alzheimer’s? Pending bankruptcy? The living death of divorce? Perhaps it’s the death of a loved one, domestic violence, illness and pain, and/or mental problems, such as anxiety and/or depression.
Do you wonder how you can press on in the midst of loss, grief, pain, and/or unanswered questions? Here are some helpful action steps.
- Recognize that it takes time to work through grief and loss. T-I-M-E!
- Embrace honesty, since God already knows the conditions of your heart.
- Learn to wrestle with anger and angst. Hold nothing back from a Holy God, even I it feels uncomfortable. To heal we must be real.
I wanted my emotional pain to go away and to be healed so I could feel-well-inside-with-no-ache. No pretense. When I didn’t sense God’s presence, I spit out my anger, disappointment, hatred and yuck, still knowing and believing, fact over feelings, that God was at work.
No matter what we see or feel, God is always at work. Even in the silence of abandonment, God met me. “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God” (2 Corinthians 1:3-4 NASB).
So how does Jesus offer comfort? He sees people. “For the eyes of the Lord roam throughout the earth, so that He may strongly support those whose heart is completely His …” ( 2 Chronicles 16:9a NASB) He acknowledges our presence.
Be on the lookout for His nearness.
It’s honoring to a soul to be seen. Noticed. Acknowledged. Your presence matters. Jesus sees. Jesus sees me. Jesus sees you. Believe this Truth. “And God saw all that He had made, and behold, it was very good. And there was evening and there was morning, the sixth day” (Genesis 1:31 NASB). God saw all that He had made. That means us.
During grief and loss, it’s how we choose to respond to grief that is the key.
Believe He sees you regardless of what you are feeling. Jesus is our role model for grief, He shows us how to be comforted and to comfort. And as a leader, speaker, or writer, we can offer comfort as our Lord did.
Think of those you see on your Facebook feed. Stop. Tell them you are sorry for their pain, their loss, and pray for them.
Practice these simple First Aid Comfort Tips:
- Face the person who is grieving and look directly at them.
- Acknowledge their presence with your eyes—let them know you see them.
- Connect with your eyes to send love, give light, and speak without words.
- Focus on the hurting one with undivided attention.
- Sit in quietness. Be comfortable with silence. Relax.
- Resist the urge to remove or fix their pain. You cannot. Don’t try.
- Limit your words. A grieved or traumatized person is numb, raw, and sometimes can barely sit upright. Just be there.
- Become God’s human comforter.
When loss, grief, and pain enter your life, allow Jesus to do His comforting work in you as you wrestle your pain out and—in time—surrender your cup to His will. In His love offer His comfort to those who are hurting and recycle your pain and turn it into purpose.
Question: What’s weighing heavy on your heart right now? I’d be honored to pray for you—please share in the comments below.
About Darlene Larson
Darlene Larson, recognized as a leading Christian Life Purpose Coach® and Grief Loss coach specializes in helping women in emotional pain discover their life purpose to live beyond betrayal, grief, and loss. Author of six books, Darlene is a sought-after speaker for churches and conferences, and her popular 90-day DIY course is for doubt-filled Christian men and women and it empowers them to discover and embrace their unique purpose. Coming soon—Leading Your Through the Valley: A Personalized Grief-Loss Coaching Book. Connect with Darlene at www.DarleneLarson.com.
Thank you for this. In a few days I’ll be traveling to another state for the memorial service of a life-long friend. I will keep these things in mind as I try to “be there” for her family. <3
Ann, thank you for posting. I am so sorry for your loss. I just stopped and prayed for you. Showing up for the family because of your dear friend, is a gift. A beautiful gift of you giving time and presence saying how much your friend meant to you. Life is a gift and you are honoring the gift of your precious friend. I will pray for you. Much comfort, watch for how He will comfort you.
Excellent article. It would be worthwhile to add “What NOT to say when someone loses a loved one to death.” People mean well but sometimes the things they say are hurtful. Such as anything starting with “At least”…. at least you have other children….at least she is in heaven….etc etc. Or “I know what you are feeling” etc.
Thank you, Judy, and for sharing. Yes, silence can be strange for people and they want to say something, without grasping the depth of the words and the hurt to the one grieving. I do go into the “nots” further a long in my book.
Big hug of comfort to you.
Years ago, a couple in my church lost their 2 year old baby boy. He choked on a crushed baby aspirin. What that mother said to me as I approached her was JUST HOLD ME. No words, just hold me! That is what I did without saying a word. I have never forgotten that time. Many years later, that was what I did, not what I said. I have never forgotten that night and remember to HOLD WITHOUT SAYING ONE WORD to comfort others.
Sherron, thank you for sharing. Precious presence you gave to that grieving mom. It made me think of a time, I was in deep agony with grief and I said kindly to a dear friend, “just listen to me please.”
Bless you for offering a hug.