The phone rang in the middle of the night. Our son had been arrested for the murder of his wife’s first husband. Life as we once knew it stopped.
The first Christmas was brutal. An empty seat at the dining room table. An unknown future. Unspeakable pain for the victim’s family and for our family. Why didn’t our all-powerful God stop this horrible crime from happening?
Now, 23 years into our son’s life sentence, we’ve learned some things that I hope will be helpful if you are facing a hard Christmas yourself—or if you know someone in that situation.
- Grieve your losses.
No, the holidays will never be what you once anticipated. Shed necessary tears as you see sentimental ornaments, hear a favorite Christmas carol, or review memories of happier occasions.
- Concentrate on simplicity.
Christmas doesn’t need to be a lot of work and exhaustion. A simple scented candle, a favorite meal, or a wreath on the door can be enough when you’re in a hard season.
- Balance alone time with the time you spend with a few trustworthy people.
Our natural inclination is to turn inward and isolate when we’re hurting. Be intentional about connecting with a friend and share openly about your journey.
- Accept the kindness of others.
When you’re used to being on the “giving end” of compassion, it’s hard to receive from others graciously. Let a caring friend drop off a meal or help with extra expenses due to your difficult situation.
- Identify someone who needs help and offer tangible support.
Serving others has been the single most helpful thing Gene and I have learned. In reaching out to others who are hurting, we’ve shared our story, listened to the life experiences of others, prayed together, and developed supportive friendships.
- Experience the power of praise.
Play worship music. Get out an old hymn book and read the lyrics of a favorite song. Read the Christmas story and express your thanks through prayer for the gift of Jesus, the Savior sent to save the world.
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18 NIV
Father, You are holy, righteous, and just. I praise You for giving me life. Thank You for patiently guiding me through the good days and the hard days. I give You all that I am as an offering. I want You to be pleased with my choices, my attitude, and my service to You. Thank you for sending Jesus to be the Savior of the world. I glorify Your name. Amen.
Question: What are you thanking God for during this holy time of year?
Speak Up for Hope is our nonprofit organization. No one on our staff receives a salary for their many volunteer hours, so your gift goes to your intended purpose. You can designate gifts specifically for:
- Inmates and their families
- Books, Bible studies, and curriculum for classes inside the razor wire
- Equipment needs in prison chapels
- Games for visitation areas, so children have something to do with an incarcerated parent
- Books for the “Read-Me-a-Story” program (inmates reading to their children on video)
- Scholarship assistance for us to equip people to share the gospel and teach the Word of God globally through Speak Up Ministries. These gifts can be designated for military spouses or for anyone who needs training.
Give online at www.SpeakUpforHope.org, or call Gene at 586.481.7661 if you’d like to make a tax-deductible credit card donation by phone. Thank you for your generosity.
About Carol Kent
Carol Kent is a bestselling author and an international speaker for conferences, outreach events, and retreats. She’s the executive director of the Speak Up Conference, an event committed to helping people develop their speaking and writing skills. She and her husband, Gene, have founded the nonprofit organization, Speak Up for Hope, which benefits inmates and their families. Carol holds a master’s degree in communication arts and a bachelor’s degree in speech education. Carol has trained Christian speakers for over twenty-five years, and she has been a featured speaker at Women of Faith, Extraordinary Women, and Women of Joy arena events. She is the author of over twenty-five books, including the bestselling When I Lay My Isaac Down, Becoming a Woman of Influence, and He Holds My Hand. Check out her newest book for Mother’s Day, Life Lessons for Moms. Connect with Carol at www.carolkent.org.
Thank you for posting this…it is very helpful and affirming in a season where my father passed just 3 1/2 weeks ago. Have a Blessed Christmas!
Lynn, I can only imagine what a difficult Christmas this is for your family. I’m praying that God will cover you with a tangible sense of His presence and peace as you mourn the loss of your father while celebrating the birthday of the King of Kings.
This is our 5th year of our son’s incarceration, but the first since his trial and sentencing to life in prison. It gets easier but is NEVER actually easy. Covid visitation restricts make for infrequent, unfulfilling visits and it feels like he is slipping away, despite the close relationship we have had.
Thank you for these practical and heart helping ideas which I will apply as I continue to adjust to this reality and strive to surrender and trust the Lord day by day.
With appreciation for you carol and your ministry.
Laura, I fully understand your comment that “It…is NEVER actually easy.” COVID restrictions were tough on families with incarcerated loved ones and as year follows year of son’s are more and more aware of what they have lost in personal relationships with people they care about. I’m praying for you and your family right now. Have a blessed Christmas.
Thank you for posting this…it is very helpful and affirming in a season where my father passed just 3 1/2 weeks ago. Have a Blessed Christmas!
Lynn, I can only imagine what a difficult Christmas this is for your family. I’m praying that God will cover you with a tangible sense of His presence and peace as you mourn the loss of your father while celebrating the birthday of the King of Kings.
This is our 5th year of our son’s incarceration, but the first since his trial and sentencing to life in prison. It gets easier but is NEVER actually easy. Covid visitation restricts make for infrequent, unfulfilling visits and it feels like he is slipping away, despite the close relationship we have had.
Thank you for these practical and heart helping ideas which I will apply as I continue to adjust to this reality and strive to surrender and trust the Lord day by day.
With appreciation for you carol and your ministry.
Laura, I fully understand your comment that “It…is NEVER actually easy.” COVID restrictions were tough on families with incarcerated loved ones and as year follows year of son’s are more and more aware of what they have lost in personal relationships with people they care about. I’m praying for you and your family right now. Have a blessed Christmas.
Today is the anniversary of my mother’s loss three years ago, and it’s always a hard day. This post should be shared widely as so many are hurting. Thank you, Carol, for using your pain to help countless others.
Thanks, Maggie. My mother passed away 4 years ago on Dec. 17. I’m praying for you right now as you mourn the loss of your mom on this anniversary of her home going. I wonder if our moms have met each other in heaven.
Today is the anniversary of my mother’s loss three years ago, and it’s always a hard day. This post should be shared widely as so many are hurting. Thank you, Carol, for using your pain to help countless others.
Thanks, Maggie. My mother passed away 4 years ago on Dec. 17. I’m praying for you right now as you mourn the loss of your mom on this anniversary of her home going. I wonder if our moms have met each other in heaven.
Carol, thank you for sharing your heart with us. Your love is healing. Your words are encouraging. Your life shines. Merry Christmas to you and your wonderful family.
Thank you, Kimalea! It has been a joy to have you in my Speak Up LearnOn Growth Group and in the Speak Up Speaker Certification Course. I feel like we’ve connected as friends and encouragers and I appreciate your heart for doing ministry that matters. Have a blessed Christmas with your family.
Carol, thank you for sharing your heart with us. Your love is healing. Your words are encouraging. Your life shines. Merry Christmas to you and your wonderful family.
Thank you, Kimalea! It has been a joy to have you in my Speak Up LearnOn Growth Group and in the Speak Up Speaker Certification Course. I feel like we’ve connected as friends and encouragers and I appreciate your heart for doing ministry that matters. Have a blessed Christmas with your family.
Dear Carol, I have read your story many times as it touched my soul deeply during the time when my son was incarcerated. It sure was helpful to know someone else dealt with the same kind of emotional pain that I was dealing with. You have no idea how much your story helped me in those days when I didn’t know what to do with the tears and anguish. My son was in a Federal prison for 4 years and had since been out now for about 2 years. Christmas is still emotionally painful as most of my family does not want to have him come to our family gatherings. I try not to dwell on this and keep laying it at the feet of Jesus as I know only God can change their hearts. I also have learned that by reaching out and helping others…..as this has brought me much healing. I got involved in a ministry that helps those dealing with any form of addiction. It is amazing how God opens and closes doors to get you where He can truly use you! I sure look forward to meeting you in Heaven someday along with both of our sons!
Dear Flo,
Thank you for your note. I know how painful it is to have a son who is incarcerated and I will pray for reconciliation with your family. Thank you for your comment about how important it is to reach out and help others. For us, serving others in the middle of our own suffering has been a key to rekindling hope and joy. Have a blessed Christmas.
Dear Carol, I have read your story many times as it touched my soul deeply during the time when my son was incarcerated. It sure was helpful to know someone else dealt with the same kind of emotional pain that I was dealing with. You have no idea how much your story helped me in those days when I didn’t know what to do with the tears and anguish. My son was in a Federal prison for 4 years and had since been out now for about 2 years. Christmas is still emotionally painful as most of my family does not want to have him come to our family gatherings. I try not to dwell on this and keep laying it at the feet of Jesus as I know only God can change their hearts. I also have learned that by reaching out and helping others…..as this has brought me much healing. I got involved in a ministry that helps those dealing with any form of addiction. It is amazing how God opens and closes doors to get you where He can truly use you! I sure look forward to meeting you in Heaven someday along with both of our sons!
Dear Flo,
Thank you for your note. I know how painful it is to have a son who is incarcerated and I will pray for reconciliation with your family. Thank you for your comment about how important it is to reach out and help others. For us, serving others in the middle of our own suffering has been a key to rekindling hope and joy. Have a blessed Christmas.
These words of encouragement mean so much! My brother was sentenced on November 21st to 9.5 years in federal prison. My heart is shattered, some days it physically hurts, and some days it’s just numb. A friend of mine bought me your book as her husband has been in prison for years, and it is amazing! I will continue to pray for you and your family! Please pray for my Brother, his wife and kids and myself! Pray for his salvation! Thank you and Merry Christmas!
Lindsey, I’m so sorry about all your family is going through right now. I can only imagine what a difficult Christmas you had. I’m praying for you, your brother, his wife, and their children. I’m especially praying that your brother experiences a personal relationship with Christ. Have a blessed new year.
These words of encouragement mean so much! My brother was sentenced on November 21st to 9.5 years in federal prison. My heart is shattered, some days it physically hurts, and some days it’s just numb. A friend of mine bought me your book as her husband has been in prison for years, and it is amazing! I will continue to pray for you and your family! Please pray for my Brother, his wife and kids and myself! Pray for his salvation! Thank you and Merry Christmas!
Lindsey, I’m so sorry about all your family is going through right now. I can only imagine what a difficult Christmas you had. I’m praying for you, your brother, his wife, and their children. I’m especially praying that your brother experiences a personal relationship with Christ. Have a blessed new year.
Good Morning Carol. Such a blessing you are to so many. I lost my husband just over 3 years ago and it’s been tremendously difficult but I truly try to look to God for and in everything. Your words are very encouraging to me as we experience the empty seat and miss the laughter. This year we decided to return to Florida to continue our family annual vacation, the place where my husband passed. Thanks so much for your encouragement
Beverly, thanks so much for taking time to share a bit of your journey. I’m so sad to hear that you lost your husband a little over 3 years ago. I’m praying that God will remind you of precious memories and that your family will be encouraged as you spend time together.
Good Morning Carol. Such a blessing you are to so many. I lost my husband just over 3 years ago and it’s been tremendously difficult but I truly try to look to God for and in everything. Your words are very encouraging to me as we experience the empty seat and miss the laughter. This year we decided to return to Florida to continue our family annual vacation, the place where my husband passed. Thanks so much for your encouragement
Beverly, thanks so much for taking time to share a bit of your journey. I’m so sad to hear that you lost your husband a little over 3 years ago. I’m praying that God will remind you of precious memories and that your family will be encouraged as you spend time together.
Your book, “When I Lay My Isaac Down,” is a profound message. I read it several years ago, then handed it on to a fellow Christian sister who was going through a tough time. And now, in recent seasons, with our culture’s rampant politicization of every aspect of our lives, my husband and I both find ourselves estranged from our siblings. For me, with the death of my mother two years ago (age 96), our family anchor was lost. She was the hub. We used to have a big, raucous, glorious Christmas gathering of four generations that filled my heart. I don’t see that ever happening again, and it makes me sad. But no one can take away those memories, and I was bright enough to capture the gaiety in the last one (2019) in writing, not knowing that it was the last one for our family matriarch. (It’s a similar situation for my husband.) But God knows the hearts of us all, and if He wills it, He will soften those hardened hearts as only He can. I pray for that. Until that time, my husband and I take great comfort in the Lord and in the fact that we have each other.
Your book, “When I Lay My Isaac Down,” is a profound message. I read it several years ago, then handed it on to a fellow Christian sister who was going through a tough time. And now, in recent seasons, with our culture’s rampant politicization of every aspect of our lives, my husband and I both find ourselves estranged from our siblings. For me, with the death of my mother two years ago (age 96), our family anchor was lost. She was the hub. We used to have a big, raucous, glorious Christmas gathering of four generations that filled my heart. I don’t see that ever happening again, and it makes me sad. But no one can take away those memories, and I was bright enough to capture the gaiety in the last one (2019) in writing, not knowing that it was the last one for our family matriarch. (It’s a similar situation for my husband.) But God knows the hearts of us all, and if He wills it, He will soften those hardened hearts as only He can. I pray for that. Until that time, my husband and I take great comfort in the Lord and in the fact that we have each other.
I lost my son on July 10,2021 at the age of 42. I am shattered! I heard about you through my cousin who was my son’s Godmother.
I am in the process of writing a book on my grief journey in hopes that some little something I write will help one other person. I think I might need you in my life and I believe God is directing me to you. My life has been full of so many miracles….. being a mother of two children is certainly one of them. Searching for guidance…..
I lost my son on July 10,2021 at the age of 42. I am shattered! I heard about you through my cousin who was my son’s Godmother.
I am in the process of writing a book on my grief journey in hopes that some little something I write will help one other person. I think I might need you in my life and I believe God is directing me to you. My life has been full of so many miracles….. being a mother of two children is certainly one of them. Searching for guidance…..